approaching-a-girlI am doing this write-up in fulfilment of my promise last week when an anonymous sent in a text to #Sincerely men on Top Radio 90.9FM between 5.00pm-7.00pm on Sunday.

The guy simply asked; how to communicate affection to a lady? In actual fact many guys out there actually have this challenge. The unfortunate aspect is nobody teaches these things and most of those who know either learnt by trial and error or they read about it in a book or magazine. I have also learnt from experience. A mixture of my experience and other peoples experiences is what I am serving you in this piece.

The way it starts is that you suddenly see a lady that attracts you, you admire her and gradually you begin to nurse feelings for her even without her knowledge. The issue then is, how to communicate your affection to her. Ordinarily it should not be a difficult task speaking to a lady because you have female friends, colleagues, sisters, nieces etc but some guys just can’t get the liver to communicate their affection. Ok, lets look at some vital tips that will help you;

  1. Find a way to become her friend. Walk up to her and be honest that you have seen her a couple of times (if you have) and you would like to be her friend. Ladies generally are defensive and it is understandable because she does not know you and she needs to protect her heart. If you are meeting her for the first time and it is not likely your parts may cross again, then simply be bold to say to her that you would like to be her friend and would like to keep in touch with her. If she likes she could give you her contact; email add, BBM pin, facebook account, phone number etc. Understand that ladies generally are defensive. She might acceed to your request and she might not. Why? She needs to protect her heart.
  2. You can also find a meeting point of interest, studies, work environment talk, sports, fashion, popular TV programme etc that can serve as a point of regular gist with her.
  3. Don’t attempt to speak big grammar so you don’t get her pissed by your way of speaking.
  4. Don’t present a fake you. Be real. Talk the way you normally speak and gettison fake American or UK accent that you learnt whilst watching movies or on a once in a life time visit.
  5. Don’t attempt to intimidate her by your achievements or accomplishment and acquired or borrowed assets. Your parents or family status or achievement is not relevant at this point.
  6. Don’t say you want to be her fiance just at the very first or second meeting. It is even wrong to propose marriage just this early. Only desperate ladies still fall for the ‘’I want to marry you’’ hoppuscopus guys say at first or second meeting. This may work against you because you are yet to even know who she is and she is yet to know you well either.
  7. Keep the story of your ex outside of this discussion. Your past should remain past. At the appriopriate time then share only what is relevant.

So, when you are her friends, you can then be bold to say it exactly how you feel and how convinced you are that the relationship will work. Some authors say you can approach a lady in two ways;

  1. Direct approach
  2. Indirect approach

Direct approach means going staright to the point. Saying what you mean in plain language. Indirect approach means beating about the bush on your way, before heading to destination. I strongly recommend that you use the direct approach. Yes, Jesus spoke both in parables and in plain language in the Bible.  But for God sake, for the purpose of this discuss, leave the parables out and speak plainly. Can’t I send someone to do the talking on my behalf? Yes, you can but that does not speak well of your  confidence. Yes, someone can help prepare her mind but the actual letting of the cat out of the bag MUST be done by you!


There are commonly three answers you get when a guy approaches a lady;

  1. Give me time to process your request
  2. Outright yes
  3. Outright No.

Learn to be patient with her as love from ladies tends to be slower as she weighs you and the import of the decision she is about to take. If she says no, don’t feel bad about it. Some say no while processing your request. While some ladies no is their final answer. Nothing will change it. So, how do I know when the no is final? You will know when she frowns or outrightly ask you to forget that request completely and never bring it up again. That a lady tells you no does not belittle you in anyway as a man. It does not make you inferior. And that should not discourage you from moving on with your life.

Generally, ladies are attracted to guys who are;

  1. Godly in the real sense of it
  2. Have self confidence and bold
  3. Audacious in approach to issues of life
  4. Downright honest in all areas of life
  5. Have very good dress sense. Does not necessarily have to be expensive
  6. Good body hygiene and upkeep.
  7. A good listener
  8. Have a good sense of purpose and direction in life
  9. Have a good sense of humour
  10. Have basic cooking skills

In the book Achieving Success in Marriage jointly authored by Bishop David and Pastor Faith Oyedepo, the authors wrote and I paraphrase; ‘’Go stright to the point as you propose to the lady as God leads you. But do not gather elders around an innocent lady and make her succumb to the pressure of your request’’ Simply put, do not put unnecessary pressure on a lady you want to win her heart at all cost. Money can buy gift but it cannot buy love. Money can buy wedding but it cannot buy mariage. Blackmailing someone or making her consent out of pity will ultimately backfire on you!

How about if it is a lady that is interested in a guy, how does she communicate that? Interesting isn’t it? Then wait for my fortcoming book. I wrote extensively on that.

Still Yours in Matters of the Heart


Adegboyega ILORI